Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Andy Samberg: Genius!

I don't get to watch SNL very often so I try to catch up with the episodes on the NBC site. What really keeps me coming back, though, are the digital shorts by Andy Samberg. From "The Chronicles of Narnia" and "Dick in a Box" to almost every short he's produced he is the most consistently funny SNL cast member in a long, long time.

This is a classic example. Warning to the kiddies: This is the uncensored version and contains bad words and an inflatable dolphin.


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Friday, July 24, 2009

My Left Foot. My Right Hook.

Okay, so today was like every other. Nothing special going on, I went to work at the kitchen this morning then to my job as a security guard. Then things went wrong.

About 4:25 I go outside with two co-workers as they are leaving work because I wanted to get my nametag and security key that I'd left in my car. I see a car coming up the wrong way on the one-way driveway in front of the building as I'm walking down the drive to the parking lot. This happens often as people think it's a shortcut to Military Road. Usually I just wave them down, explain the situation and they turn around a leave through the lot's exit. Not this guy though. Instead he pulls right up on me and, as I try to sidestep away from his car, he turns slightly towards me at which point I'm yelling for him to stop and I bang my fist on the hood of the car. He finally stops but I then realise I can move because my left foot is under his tire! Then I start yelling, "Get off my foot!" about three times before starts to drive forward. At this point he has already bumped my knee and run over my foot and now he's still moving. His window is down so, as he's passing me, I punch him in the head as hard as I could.

Now he stops the car and gets out. He's taller than me (I'm 6'2", 180lbs. on a good day) and about 20 or 30 pounds heavier. He's yelling at me for slugging him and I'm telling him that not only was he going the wrong way but he ran over my foot. He's not hearing any of that as he comes at me. I should say, at this point, there are three people watching the whole thing but it's happening very quickly. I start backing away waiting to see if even realises what just happened when he pushes me over the low wall of the handicap access ramp. He leans over me and draws back to hit me when I kick him about mid-thigh giving me time to scramble to my feet. I guess he finally notices the witnesses all have their cells out and dialing and backs away from me. He says, "You just showing off for these white people! Go ahead and call [the police], I want to hear what you tell them!"

"You were trying to run me over, jackass! You saw me trying to wave you down and came right at me!" I yell back. He then gets back in his car and, again, I tell him he can't drive through. As he backs down the driveway I look at his license plates and type of car with my cell in my hand. I turn around and one of the witnesses has the police on the line so I put my phone away when he says the police are on their way.

What's surprising is that my foot wasn't hurt by having a car sit on it. My knee has a lump where the bumper hit it and my hip is sore from falling over the wall. Otherwise, I'm fine. I'm also surprised at how calm I was, even when I punched him. When he got out of the car I was thinking "Why am I not angry? Why am I not trying to beat the crap outta this idiot?" I figured that I'm at my job. Let's not make this any worse.

Oh, well, a police report has been filed for a hit-and-run. I'll probably have to go to court now.

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